submisssssssssssssssssssssion is goooooooooooood
Dropping the Kids Off at the Movies,
School, the Mall, etc.

General Tips

Keep a level head. Do not get emotionally involved with the package (Kids), or it could lead to problems transporting the package to the Desired Location. When shooting your weapon, count "ONE-one-thousand" between shots to save ammunition and allow time to aim at the target. 

Mission Overview

There are two "drive-bys" in this procedure: The first empties the parents from a vehicle to set up a defensive cover. The second drive-by accomplishes two goals: It empties the children, ensuring their safe arrival to the Desired Location; and it reestablishes the parents in the vehicle. 


Gramma drives the Minivan. Dad is in the front passenger seat, Mom is closest to the right passenger door in the back, and the Kids lie on the floor in the back. 

On the first drive-by of the Desired Location, Gramma cruises at no less than 15 mph. Mom opens the back passenger door on the right side of the Minivan and jumps out, performs a shoulder-roll to a standing position. The surprise exit will trick the Enemy Sniper and allow Mom time to find cover behind a nearby barrier or foliage. Locating the Enemy Sniper, Mom immediately provides cover fire from her position using a nine millimeter, emptying the chamber. This provides time for Dad to jump out at the opposite side of the entrance to the Desired Location. He immediately finds cover. Mom and Dad should acknowledge a successful first step with eye contact or vocal communication, such as shouting the word, "Safe!" 

Gramma gases the Minivan to a speed of no less than 45 mph, which she maintains until she pulls a fishtail u-turn in the parking lot of the Desired Location. On the second drive-by of the entrance, coming from the opposite direction, Gramma should gain enough speed to pull a second fishtail u-turn, which brings the Minivan to a stop at the curb in front of the entrance to the Desired Location, with the back right passenger door facing away from the Enemy Sniper and towards the location entrance. 

As the Minivan stops, Dad provides cover fire with his nine millimeter. Gramma, too, unloads the chamber of her nine millimeter from the driver-side window toward the Enemy Sniper, as the Kids exit in groups of two from the Minivan's back right passenger door. The Kids run, heads down, for cover inside the Desired Location. The progress of the Kids is monitored by Mom. As soon as Dad and Gramma run out of bullets, the Kids should be safe inside the Desired Location. It should be noted that Gramma will be in an extremely vulnerable position at this time. 

It is up to Mom -- now reloaded -- to provide cover fire while Gramma maintains a low profile in the Minivan. Dad reloads at this time. Once Mom runs out of bullets, she shouts, "Cover!" and makes a break for the open passenger door to the Minivan while Dad begins his second round of cover fire. Mom dives in the van, Gramma gases it, and Dad makes a break for it. If he times it right, Dad should be able to dive into the van at the precise moment that the Enemy Sniper recovers his position and begins an unpredictable stream of fire. Gramma may shoot while driving away, but it's more important for her to stay low and remove the van from the danger zone.

Note: When picking up the Kids from the Desired Location, this technique should also be used, only backwards. 


Going to a Suburban Starbucks with Friends

General Tips

A Starbucks should only be approached in groups of three, at minimum. It should only be approached on foot. And it should only be approached if caffeine is badly needed. This is a highly dangerous procedure. 

Mission Overview

This operation relies on strong communication as Three Friends storm the Starbucks from separate locations, combine resources, and order, retrieve and enjoy their coffee drinks.


The operation actually begins before Friend One, Friend Two, and Friend Three meet. They must use cell phones to contact one another, agreeing on a desired time to meet at the Starbucks location. They should synchronize their watches during this discussion. Timing in this mission is most important; if one friend is late, it could jeopardize all the Friends' safety, and therefore their friendship. Also, it's important to note that the Friends should not arrive together.

At five minutes before the agreed upon time, Friend One, Two, and Three should be in their preliminary positions: Friend One occupies a safe spot on the roof of the Starbucks and uses his or her cell to communicate to Friend Two and Three the position of the Enemy Sniper. Friend Two and Three are 50 yards away, on opposite ends of the parking lot, using parked cars as cover. 

On Friend One's mark, Friend Two and Three simultaneously make a break for the Starbucks entrance while Friend One provides cover fire from the roof. Once Friend Two and Three reach cover near the entrance to the Starbucks, Friend Two should immediately provide cover fire as Friend One uses a rope to descend from the roof. 

Under the cover of fire from Two, Friend One immediately enters the Starbucks and orders his or her drink from the Cashier. Once the drink is ordered and paid for, but not yet retrieved from the barista, Friend One immediately exits the store and takes the position of Friend Two. 

Friend Three then begins cover fire, Friend One reloads, and Friend Two runs inside the Starbucks to order his or her drink. Once the drink is ordered and paid for (but, again, not yet retrieved), Friend Two exits and takes the place of Friend Three. 

As Friend Three enters to order and pay for his or her drink, Friend One, now reloaded, provides cover fire while Friend Two reloads. Once the final drink is ordered and paid for, Friend Three should find cover by the Condiments Table. While hiding behind this table, Friend Three should reach up and grab the appropriate amounts of sugar, stir sticks, etc., for each of the ordered drinks. 

When the drinks are served by the Starbucks barista, Friend Three uses his or her cell to communicate the need for more cover fire. Friends One and Two reciprocate. Friend Three picks up the drinks and brings them to Friends One and Two. 

The drinks are enjoyed behind cover, sniper fire ricocheting innocently.

Many Friends feel the need to hold a conversation at a table inside Starbucks. This is a highly dangerous proposition, as most Starbucks are lined with non-bulletproof windows. However, it can be accomplished if one Friend agrees to stay in a safe location and use his or her gun and the guns of his or her Friends to provide a shield of fire while the other two Friends chat inside at a table, listen to music, and take in the surroundings. 

Warning: This maneuver often leads to a lack of cohesiveness in the group. Many good Friends have been killed when the Friend that is left out becomes disenchanted and/or envious and provides less-than-agreeable cover fire. 

Drinks finished, Friends One, Two and Three, powered by their caffeine intake, exit the suburban Starbucks in a barrage of cover fire, running in separate directions, but before that, agreeing to meet again tomorrow, time and place to be determined. 


While on a Picnic with a Lover, 
Extracting a Sniper from the Wood

General Tips

This operation takes into consideration that the Lovers are heterosexual. Lesbian Lovers might also witness a high percentage of success with this operation. But homosexual male Lovers are strongly discouraged from taking part in an operation of this nature, as most Enemy Snipers are angry, repressed males who are seldom distracted from their hatred by anything that male homosexual Lovers might do. Studying the movies of Charlie Chaplin and other silent film artists is recommended before taking part in this operation.

Mission Overview

This procedure uses the lure of the female anatomy, and the possibility of sex, to trick the Enemy Sniper. 


Lover One, who is female, and Lover Two bring a basket of goodies to a cute, quiet dale in the Wood. Oh, what a dale this is, is what the Lovers seem to be saying with their body language to anyone who might be watching through a powerful scope connected to an even more powerful hunting rifle. The sweet flowers and foliage practically glow around them. 

This will be the best picnic ever, is what Lover One, the lovely female (with her tight midriff and jean short-shorts) seems to be saying with her body language. 

We have brought such wonderful, delicious snacks and drinks in our basket, is what Lover Two (he or she is completely unremarkable, and his or her impressive strength is hidden beneath loose-fitting clothing) seems to be saying with his or her body language.

We're all alone, Lover One seems to say to Lover Two. Please ravish me.

OK, Lover Two seems to say to Lover One.

Lover One smiles. Lover Two pounces. They kiss and grope passionately, and anyone can see that they are about to have incredible sex. Yes, anyone can see this, even an Enemy Sniper located in a tree stand, holding his rifle, looking through its powerful scope, which gives the feeling that he is much less than 100 yards away, that he is actually part of Lover One and Lover Two's lives. 

But then, the Lovers stop. Lover Two assures Lover One that he or she wants to have sex, incredible sex, RIGHT NOW. But the sex will be so good, Lover Two seems to say, that food in the basket will not be enough to restore our energy. We need MORE FOOD, and it will need to be eaten promptly afterward, to restore energy so we might have MORE SEX.

Yes, you are right, Lover One seems to say, her big breasts heaving beneath her midriff. 

Pretending he or she is a great fisherman, Lover Two mimes to Lover One that, before they make love, he or she will go to the nearby pond and catch a fish that's THIS BIG! They will cook it on a FIRE and eat it up and it will be so good they will RUB THEIR TUMMIES! 

Lover One nods her coy approval of this plan. She is impressed.

Lover Two reaches in the picnic basket and pulls out what appears to be, through the scope of a rifle, fishing line, VERY THICK fishing line. Once again, Lover Two mimes the size of a GREAT FISH that will be caught with this thick line. Then he exits the dale. 

Lover One waits until Lover Two is gone. She pulls a red-and-white checkered blanket from the basket. She spreads it on the green grass. She sits on the blanket. She looks around. She's still all hot from the passionate kissing, it's apparent. No one's around, she can see. Maybe a few birds. She certainly doesn't see that silly sniper over there, peeking at her with his big gun. 

Hi Sniper, is what she seems to say. Oh, Naughty Sniper! Want to see my guns

Lover One takes off her midriff top and begins to rub her pale, flushed breasts and also her genital area beneath those short-shorts. Oh, she's quite turned on by the Great Outdoors and the fact that someone might be watching her, secretly, doing secret things to himself! 

Whoa, she seems to say, batting her eyelashes with desire, look at the size of that stick over there

She uses the stick against her short-shorts. 

Oh, Gosh, she seems to say, Oh, Oh, Gosh Golly Gosh Golly Gosh Oh!

Wait! She has an idea! She goes to the picnic basket and pulls out a jar of honey! Yummy honey! 

Oh, honey tastes so good on my luscious lips and tongue, she seems to say. Oh, feels so good on my nipples! Oh, I think I'll --

Lover Two, having snuck up behind the distracted Enemy Sniper in his tree stand, violently wraps a steel coil around the Sniper's neck. Lover Two kicks away the sniper rifle as it falls to the floor of the hunting stand. Lover Two uses his or her impressive strength to eye-popping effect on the Enemy Sniper. 

The Enemy Sniper fights for his life, and isn't the irony thick. His tongue wags. He has an erection; it could be from Lover One's flirtations, or it could be because he can't breathe and is about to die. Doesn't it suck to be caught by surprise, Sniper? Doesn't it suck to die a slow death? I bet you'd like to take your own life, huh, Sniper? Too bad. This is one life you won't take.

Lover Two drops the Enemy Sniper's body from the tree stand with a dull thud in the soft grass. Lover One is standing below, holding the picnic basket, which is packed again. She kicks the dead sniper, who will soon be eaten by a bear. 

There will be other days for true picnics, picnics in green dales unencumbered by death. The Lovers hold hands. They walk from the Wood in silence. They have to believe there will be greener days. 

[Here is a related haiku by someone named Colostomy Bandit (from the Area for Textual Encounter).]

[If you would like to link to this timely piece of dark humor, or send it to someone, the appropriate link is this:]


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