submit to save the child
Dan Rather: Yo, stromi.

Camille Paglia: stromi?

Dan Rather: I don't know.

Dan Rather: It was something I heard on some negro's boombox.

Dan Rather: I think it's an amalgam of homey and pastrami.

Camille Paglia: mmm.

Dan Rather: You would want a homey's pastrami.

Camille Paglia: better than your clit.

Dan Rather: Touche.

Camille Paglia: greta van sustern and i were going to ask you something

Dan Rather: ?

Camille Paglia: we thought it was a strange thing to wonder

Camille Paglia: and then we thought

Camille Paglia: "who could answer this?"

Camille Paglia: and  said

Camille Paglia: "dan could

Camille Paglia: he knows a lot of crap."

Camille Paglia: but i can't remember what we were wondering

Dan Rather: Delightful story.

Dan Rather: Maybe Greta remembers.

Camille Paglia: no

Camille Paglia: i just asked her

Dan Rather: In your bed?

Camille Paglia: of course

Dan Rather: Oh well.

Dan Rather: It was probably something about pedophilia.

Camille Paglia: ...

Camille Paglia:

Dan Rather: Greta seemed disturbed the day I knew too much about necrophiliacs.

Camille Paglia: "specially contoured"

Camille Paglia: how much could you possibly know about them?

Dan Rather: Enough.

Dan Rather: The most famous necrophiliacs are French.

Dan Rather: The French are bastards.

Camille Paglia: well

Camille Paglia: i'll be sure not to die in france.

Dan Rather: Good plan.

Dan Rather: Nice toilet seat.

Dan Rather: Howard Hughes must have designed it.

Dan Rather: A great line in court was when the French 
necrophiliac, Henri Blot, said, "Every man to his own tastes. Mine is for corpses."

Camille Paglia: haha

Dan Rather: Like you could ever justify it.

Camille Paglia: everything i know about necrophilia came from watching "kissed"

Dan Rather: What's that?

Camille Paglia: a movie about some necrophiliac woman

Camille Paglia: it inspired me to molest princess diana

Dan Rather: Nice.

Dan Rather: My movie necrophilia extends as far as Weekend at Bernies.

Camille Paglia: haha

Camille Paglia: i'm shopping for soap dishes.

Dan Rather: New soap dishes deserve new soap.

Camille Paglia: i have new soap.

Camille Paglia: but i'm sure it won't be new by the time i get soap dishes.

Dan Rather: With Greta around, I guarantee it.

Dan Rather: I hate when bar soap turns into broken slivers. It annoys me.

Camille Paglia: me too

Dan Rather: It's like I wash my hands and groan, "Ohhh." All defeated.

Camille Paglia: considering your pate

Camille Paglia: you've been defeated

Dan Rather: Bitch.

Camille Paglia: anyway i'm shopping for a dish that is

Camille Paglia: aesthetically pleasing

Camille Paglia: and that has proper drainage

Camille Paglia: so the soap doesn't sit in its own stagnant juices

Dan Rather: Get a Charles Kuralt commemorative soap dish.

Dan Rather: He was a dirty bastard.

Camille Paglia: no.

Dan Rather: Oh yes. I hate the stagnant juices.

Dan Rather: It becomes gummy... And by the time you touch it, it's cold. So it's clammy.

Camille Paglia: yes

Dan Rather: It's like washing your hands with a raw oyster.

Camille Paglia: or jerking you off

Dan Rather: I knew Dick Nixon, and believe me, you've never handled Dick.

Camille Paglia: i only have bar soap for my face

Camille Paglia: so it's even worse

Camille Paglia: i use liquid soap for my hands

Dan Rather: I switch. I'm inconsitent. I think I'm bi.

Camille Paglia: i just have bar soap because it's schmansy burt's bees tomato soap

Camille Paglia: normally

Camille Paglia: i prefer liquid soap across the board

Camille Paglia: dykes show solidarity

Camille Paglia: and avoid oiliness

Dan Rather: Yes. You would not want to go on stage at Sarah Lawrence and look like your forehead was excreting napalm.

Camille Paglia: ahahah

Dan Rather: Did I show you I was reading this?

Camille Paglia: nope

Dan Rather: I really like it so far. I am a little past the halfway point. I just hope the ending doesn't suck. 

Camille Paglia: do you ever hope an ending does suck?

Dan Rather: Yes.

Dan Rather: Call me a masochist.

Dan Rather: Mr. Masochist, that is.

Dan Rather: Whips, chains, and poor endings to novels.

Dan Rather: That's what I deal in.

Camille Paglia: okay.

Dan Rather: Is handling newspapers like playing guitar?  Sooner or later your fingers callous until they are impervious?

Camille Paglia: no

Camille Paglia: every paper cut is like the first one
Dan Rather: I fear oregami masters then. They could take a piece of paper and cut me to shreds.

Dan Rather: There's a kung fu premise for you.

Dan Rather: Wong Fey, master of the multipurpose medium bond paper.

Dan Rather: Going back to what you said, before I had a Kung Fu theater moment... It wouldn't be so bad if sex was like paper cuts then.

Dan Rather: Every orgasm is like the first one.

Camille Paglia: that actually

Camille Paglia: doesn't sound that great

Dan Rather: For you, maybe. But that was the most magnificent three seconds of my life.

Dan Rather: If I bottled that, I could power the state of Utah for a month.

Dan Rather: But Mormons are dead inside, anyway.

Dan Rather: What do they need electricity for?

Camille Paglia: haha

Dan Rather: Ted Bundy was on to a good thing in Utah. Weed out the Mormon bitches. I mean, in a religion where, even if you're the same age, male missionaries are "Elders" and female are "Sisters." He was doing them a favor and freeing them from the patriarchy.

Dan Rather: Mass murder = freedom.

Dan Rather: I think Abraham Lincoln said that.

Camille Paglia: i bet he did.

Camille Paglia: i have to go to bed

Dan Rather: He also said Jefferson Davis has a hot ass.

Camille Paglia: greta is calling me though i'm beat.

Dan Rather: But that's off the record.

Camille Paglia: no

Camille Paglia: that was me

Camille Paglia: i said jefferson davis has a hot ass

Dan Rather: You bitch.

Dan Rather: You would overlook my ass for a Confederate one.

Dan Rather: Well, sleep then.

Dan Rather: I hope it's the long one.

Camille Paglia: shut up, masochist.

Camille Paglia: yeah, yeah.

Dan Rather: I hate you.

Camille Paglia: i hate you more.

Camille Paglia: night bastard.

Dan Rather: Night bastardess


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