quiet nerves through submission
We are living in an age when man's nerves are stretched to the breaking point. The keen competition in business affairs, the enervating demands of social activities, the distressing realities of war and crime, and the universal worry of both the rich and poor over finances, tend to place a burden upon the nervous system with which it is unable to cope. The Creator made man's nervous system to function in a world of joy, peace, and goodwill, but in life as we find it today, men must deal with more stern realities, and it is little wonder that their nerves fail them for fear of things that are coming upon the world. In view of these distressing times, it becomes increasingly important that the layman become familiar with the simple ways and means to quiet his overburdened nerves. 

1. Rest 

For every hour a man spends working, he should rest 1/10th of that time once one's work comes to an end. An eight-hour day, according to calculations, deserves 108 minutes of uninterrupted rest, a unit of time pregnant with possibility for extreme relaxation. After a protracted stint of toil, it is beneficial to remember that rest may be either partial or absolute. Partial rest may involve reading the newspaper, playing a board game with friends, inebriating alone, or spending intimate hours with one's favorite hug rug. Absolute rest requires complete lack of motion, however. No one can discount the therapeutic benefit (the fain stillness!) that comes from napping in a vat of warm tapioca. On rainy days, absolute rest is best attained within a soft tube of bright red toothpaste. On sunny days, you will find absolute rest in the feathery mesh of shadows cast by your area's giant shuttlecock.

2. Exercise

Every individual should have a hobby, and he should work acutely at that hobby. One such hobby -- model airplane construction -- is a fine way to transition the harsh transpiring of the workday to an evening of restful easement. (Reasonably priced model airplane kits are available at toy-and-hobby stores in better neighborhoods.) It is true, however, that many do not consider attention to such hobbies exercise. Detractors will laud such vulgar pursuits as the wrestling match, the javelin throw, the discus toss, the pole vault, and the steeplechase, yet, when it comes to the construction of model airplanes, these detractors will withdrawal all favorable tracts, pressing them tightly to their darkest, craggy recesses. It is unfortunate that the Creator has provided such a vibrant distraction from the demands of the day, only to see its popularity wane with such fast rapidity. It is singularly misfortunate, doubly tragic, triply catastrophic, quadruply calamitous, when one recognizes that model airplane construction is one of the few hobbies remaining that necessitates close contact with inhalants, particularly since the demise of the popular schoolyard game of etherball.

3. Diet

When was the last time you had a kumquat? Don't let its salaciously obscene name terrify you, for we are currently thick in the middle of kumquat season, running from December 15th until April 15th. The kumquat, a member of the citrus family, is a sweet-and-sour fruit. The majority of kumquats in the United States are grown in St. Joseph, Florida. The kumquat is a delicacy whether eaten fresh or preserved. With a thick sweet peel and a tart pulp, it is best eaten skin and all. It is also a favorite for jellies, marmalade, and crystallizing. Its unique flavor lends itself as a pleasant addition to many dishes, desserts, and salads. Excellent flavorers of other foods, kumquats are particularly pleasing when cooked with chicken, pork, or fish. Kumquats are diverse fruits that also offer many nutritional benefits. They are cholesterol, fat, and sodium free, providing a good source of fiber and vitamins A and C. Additionally, kumquats contain traces of calcium and iron. Approximately eight kumquats contain 100 calories, thereby offering a sweet alternative to less healthy snack foods. Ultimately, kumquats exhibit a marvelous precocity, not merely of talent but also of mischievous activity, affording an alarmingly tasty prognostic for the future.

4. Vacations

Travel, especially to remote and exotic locales, invigorates the soul while unwinding the mortal coil. Determined removal from the stressful responsibilities of daily drudgery is a recommended manner to regain dominant territory in the fierce fire-fight waged by the insurgent forces of routine in the rugged terrain of one's nerves. While vacationing, natives may persistently attempt to shine one's sneakers, when such footwear requires no shining. They may offer ridiculous quantities of a locally cultivated substance they call ganja, swoopstake, for next to nothing, even when a man is willing to pay significantly more for an hour with the native's daughter. But the man who travels with regularity will find pleasure in the colorful annoyances encountered away from home. Vacationing alone or with family is the perfect way to recarbonate one's moxie, and even spike it, before returning to the siege of trying and perplexing problems awaiting stateside.

5. Water Treatments

Most have used water treatments without ever knowing it was a very ancient healing process. At one time, water treatments were standard medical treatment for many illnesses, especially before mankind's reliance on electricity. Ice packs for a sprained ankle, hot compresses for sinus pain, the hot sitz bath for a case of hemorrhoids, are all prescribed as a matter of course, as though flowing from a fountain of common medical knowledge. Constitutional water treatments have been shown to greatly improve recovery from many illnesses, both acute and chronic, such as fatigue, arthritis, bronchitis, food poisoning, elimination disorders, dyspareunia, chronic constipation and/or masturbation, trichotillomania, frotteurism, Coffin-Lowry syndrome, and delusions of princesshood, to name twelve. Warm, tepid, and luke warm applications of water have a soothing effect, while hot and cold measures are most stimulating. Applications of electricity can also accompany water treatments, although certain modifications should be made depending on one's reaction to varying amounts of electrocution. 

6. Massage

There is nothing quite as satisfying as the touch of human hands upon a body distressed by the troubles of the day. But the man desiring a civil sensation will bestforgo asking a wife or mistress to attend to this soothing duty. Since eleven o'clock in the morning and four o'clock in the afternoon are the most convenient hours for massage, it is only appropriate that the man in need of a relaxing massage have it performed by a coworker, particularly an underling of a complementary gender and/or sexual orientation. If one is able to contract a turkish dwarf, however, it is highly recommended: their palms are to diamonds what the unscuffed baseballs of springtime are to moonrocks in orbit.

7. Right Thinking 

Did you sell or dispose of a solar or wind energy system during 2001? If so, you shall seldom be surpassed in the severity of your sufferings! It is a great mystery why so many allow their thoughts to dwell upon the evil things in the world when the Creator has given the human race such excellence! Sellers of solar or wind energy systems can ward off suffering and find rest and peace by letting their minds dwell upon things beautiful and good. For in purity of thought there is peace and satisfaction; in impurity of thought there is grief and sorrow. In conclusion, please consider a brief passage from the works of the underappreciated poet George Clinton: "Good thoughts bring forth good  fruit; bullshit thoughts rot your meat. Think right, and you can fly. The kingdom of heaven is within. Free your mind, and your ass will follow." 

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