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RACES CONDUCTED WHILE DOWNLOADING
TWO OR MORE FILES SIMULTANEOUSLY
FROM NAPSTER IN ITS WANING DAYS
BY JOSHUA ROBERTS
1.

FILENAME: Sports-Giants win the Pennant, SIZE (bytes): 347,315, USER: nolocon, SPEED: T3, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: The Ramones-Happy Birthday, Mr. Burns (Simpsons ep), SIZE (bytes): 695,066, USER: udienow!, SPEED: 56K, RATE (k/s): various

WINNER: Sports-Giants win the Pennant
 

2.

FILENAME: Tube Bar-Call 06 (Ben Dover), SIZE (bytes): 999,748, USER: macusin7, SPEED: Unknown, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Britney Spears Ė Oops!ÖThe Mic is On and I Didnít Realized [sic] (Rock in Rio 2001), SIZE (bytes): 1,433,600, USER: sillym, SPEED: T3, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: James Bond Theme, SIZE (bytes): 1,679,331, USER: ohyeahhh, SPEED: Cable, RATE (k/s): various
 
 

WINNER: Britney Spears Ė Oops!ÖThe Mic is On and I Didnít Realized [sic] (Rock in Rio 2001), PLACE: Tube Bar-Call 06 (Ben Dover), James Bond Theme eliminated through Transfer Error
 

3.

FILENAME: Dusty Springfield-Son of a Preacher Man, SIZE (bytes): 2,369,410, USER: uasdf44, SPEED: DSL, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Leonard Nimoy-Put a Little Love in Your Heart, SIZE (bytes): 2,426,880, USER: gargleme, SPEED: T3, RATE (k/s): various

WINNER: Leonard Nimoy-Put a Little Love in Your Heart, handily
 

4.

FILENAME: Bjork-Army of Me, SIZE (bytes): 4,681,728, USER: screamer, SPEED: Cable, RATE (k/s): various 

v.

FILENAME: Aphex Twin-Speed Racer (Porno Mix), SIZE (bytes): 5,297,371, USER: sklluv, SPEED: T1, RATE (k/s): various
 

WINNER: Aphex Twin-Speed Racer (Porno Mix)
 

5.

FILENAME: Tsunami-David Foster Wallace, SIZE (bytes): 5,646,461, USER: papywrst, SPEED: Unknown, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Aphex Twin-Star Wars Theme (Mix),            SIZE (bytes): 5,926,912, USER: saywut?, SPEED: 56K, RATE (k/s): various

WINNER: Aphex Twin-Star Wars Theme (Mix). Oddsmakers take note (see #4).
 

6.

FILENAME: Rolling Stones-Cocksucker Blues (long version), SIZE (bytes): 6,616,494, USER: ellisdee, SPEED: T1, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Orbital-Halcyon & On & On, SIZE (bytes): 6,813,696, USER: ravemon, SPEED: DSL,            RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Au Pairs-Itís Obvious,            SIZE (bytes): 7,545,859, USER: rmutter, SPEED: Unknown, RATE (k/s): various

WINNER: Rolling Stones-Cocksucker Blues (long version), PLACE: Au Pairs-Itís Obvious, SHOW: Orbital-Halcyon & On & On

7.

FILENAME: Frank Zappa-Brown Shoes Donít Make It, SIZE (bytes): 8,357,878, USER: mldyfig, SPEED: 28.8K, RATE (k/s): various

v.

FILENAME: Massive Attack v. Mad Professor-Cool Monsoon, SIZE (bytes): 10,344,617, USER: brillobro, SPEED: Cable, RATE (k/s): various

WINNER: Massive Attack v. Mad Professor-Cool Monsoon, no contest
 

[This piece was originally submitted to mcsweeneys.net, and upon hearing no reply for an extended time, the author submitted the piece to Eyeshot. If the author eventually receives a favorable reply from the former, this piece will be removed from the latter's archives. If you feel this piece merits inclusion on the former site, please let them know. Thank you.]
 

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