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Are you alone? How many are you? Are you together? Do you speak English? Where do you wish to go? We will go there.

I am the emperor. I often say “It is better to be calm than agitated.” 

Saying these things is required of me. My spectacular buoyancy should not alarm. I do it, I get it done, not according to specific scheduling. 

We will get better if we stop fussing over grammatical trivialities. 


I was ill. People would say “I will pray for you” in condescending ways. 

Moderately sized animals -- the beaver and the hog, for instance  -- enjoy small talk about psychoacoustic experiments involving radio frequencies "microcast" from strategically placed transmittors along First Avenue. The radio signals would only be received on a city bus. I forget which number. Moderately sized animals taste very good, although, for health reasons, people are typically encouraged to eat animals large and small as well.

I visited a chat room for dungeon fetishists. I was asked to join the pagan knights web community. I am just browsing, thank you, I replied. I sang the theme to the movie Arthur. I was told to shut the fuck up. I was told to shut the fuck up repeatedly. A southern man tapped a .357 magnum against his computer microphone. He pulled the trigger, it clicked, then he gave us good advice. He said not to play russian roulette with an automatic weapon. This man's name was Willy. His screen name, however, was Nekkid_Turtle. You can e-mail him at nekkid_turtle@yahoo.com.


That which yields overcomes that which resists

These epigrams are expected of me. (It's what I do.) Forgive me. 

I have lost my baggage. 

I have lost my coat. 

I have lost my passport. 

I have lost my wife. 

I have lost my husband, my child, my dog. 

Cutting off is one mark of wisdom. 

Such simple truths are hard to understand. 

Uprightness is proof of insolence. 

I am a horny slut. Please cum in my hair. 


Smells linger longer in small confines. 

Some things are going up while others are going down. 

Any married couples want a threesome?

We dive into the earth and out of it. I like you very much. Do you like me? May I see you tomorrow? May I see you this evening. I would like to give you four presents: 

See all you need to see without looking elsewhere. 

Joy and gladness leap and sway together in a joyous dance. 

Tiger’s claws never act unnaturally.

I love you, big dummy. 


Before my operation, which I put off for a long time, I used to get these painballs in my head and pass out. I was obnoxious to my persecutors. I was intimate with refrigerated morsels of chocolate. I thought you would pay my medical bills. 

Have I time to buy a newspaper? Please open the window. May I smoke, madame? Please call me at six. 

How much is this? How much is that? I like this one. I like that one more. I do not like this color. I want it in green. It is too expensive. But I will buy it. I shall take it with me. Please pack it. I want a hat. I figured it was time to go to the doctor when I passed out and fell down the basement steps.


Alone without my army, I was besieged by the greatest people. No one will attack a person unless he appears to be an enemy. Believe it?

I have a headache. I have a bad cough. I have a pain here. I have a stomach ache. My legs hurt. My back hurts. My ear hurts. I have chills. I have had an accident. Please examine this wound.

Can I watch? 

I can hardly stand elevators between 7:45 and 9 AM. 

I bow before the mistresses. I kiss their feet. 

The things I’m saying are very easy to understand.

I cannot breathe. Is it necessary to stay here? Is it necessary to go to the hospital?


There was wet and wild erotic action. It was kinky, nasty, back-scratching, hair-grabbing, knee-buckling, body-tingling, lip-biting, tongue-sucking, and crotch-grinding. It ended with soft, lip-sucking kisses. But the ceremony caused a schism. Influence was temporarily shaken. I went home.

I have a cold. I have indigestion. I am nauseated. I have broken my glasses. I cannot see. Open your mouth.  Show me your tongue. 


More bread, please. More beer, please. More water, please. Please bring me another fork. Bring me the check, please. Is the tip included? Here, this is for you. 


I used to make stores rip those ads out. 

Now I am as unconcerned as the rolling ocean.


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