To whom it may concern,
I am writing to you today to make a small suggestion; nay; a plea, to make a much needed improvement with regards to an oft-overlooked "situation" that has plagued finer establishments than yours- although I would be hard pressed to identify another restaurant that serves such tremendous Amer-Asian cuisine while simultaneously remaining steadfast in keeping prices affordable even in today's inflationary economy. This is of course, in addition to your impeccable interior stylings and first-rate minority hiring practices (but I need hardly mention such obvious accolades here).
As I am sure you are quite busy with your rice cooking and dish washing (and whatever else might occupy your time at a top-notch restaurant), I will attempt to make this correspondence as sweet and superbly efficient as one of your delectable Spring Rolls (while hopefully avoiding any undesirable curtness).
If I may begin at the beginning:
During a recent trip to your restaurant, I made a snap decision to order two of the aforementioned Spring Rolls- a Coke was also ordered, as the day was hot and my whistle was in dire need of whetting. The entire transaction went smoothly (and the cashier smelled terrific!). Upon receiving my food, I took my first sip of Coke and was pleasantly surprised at the near perfect blend of water and syrup. "How utterly refreshing," I thought to myself as I continued my rehydration via the sweet fluid. Ah, but herein laid the proverbial "problem," for you see, my thoroughly enjoyable beverage ended rather prematurely. Needless to say, I was miffed. I lifted the lid in the hopes that doing so would serve to satiate my curiosity, only I was instead horrified with the sight that met my eyes: ice! My disposable cup was virtually overflowing with cubes upon cubes of ice! I cannot begin to describe to you the wave of disappointment that washed over me. I trust that you will want to do everything in your power to help avoid any further emotional trauma that may befall your current and future customers as a result of any overzealous ice dispensing practices. Perhaps a frank discussion of the situation via a company memo and/or introduction of a self-limiting ice compartment within each cup. In any case, the solution is ultimately up to you, and I have faith that you will carry it out with all speed.
THE GREAT STEAK AND POTATO HOAX
What makes a steak and potato company great? How
does a great steak and potato company set itself apart from the motley
group of slack-jawed ruffians we label, “steak and potato companies?”
Is all of it just wishful thinking made by narcissistic, blood-thirsty
steak and potato executives? Do employees greet you with a toothy
grin and sheepishly apologize for their gross ineptitude at handling your
various steak and potato products? Do they garnish your side dishes
with precious jewels? Or, do they adorn you with pleasant smelling
herbs (or a delightful potpourri) and tenderly kiss you on both cheeks?
Do they help the inept customers realize true meaning in their horrid lives?
Do workers expertly chisel busts of the customers as they eat their food?
Do they anoint and bless you and bid you “Godspeed” on your departure?
They do not. How then, can such a steak and potato company call itself
“great?” Is nothing sacred, when a mediocre enterprise can simply
toss around the word “great,” as if it were nothing more than an aging
whore that can be bitch-slapped into submission? I then offer a plea
to these self-proclaimed steak and potato giants– a plea for them to purge
themselves of their ill-gotten title of greatness. Renounce your
throne before your depraved illusion destroys us all.
B R A V E S O U L S R E C E I V E
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