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For a very long time now, I have dreamed of opening a black-and-white zoo. In this zoo would only be animals that are both black and white. This zoo would include: zebras, panda bears, penguins, arctic loons, those sheepdogs from the movie Babe, skunks, killer whales, Holstein cows, African swallowtail butterflies, and Dalmatians. Animals that are not both black and white, such as giraffes and canaries, would not be in the zoo.

I had a cat named Splank that was black and white. This cat belonged to my wife before I met my wife, and the cat very much loved my wife and despised me for interfering in their relationship. Because Splank did not like me, she hissed at me very often and bit me and scratched me. Once she scratched my mom in the face and made her bleed. Also, Splank didn't really know how to use the litter box, and she often took dumps on chairs, in plants, and on my books and shoes. In any event, Splank is dead now, so she can't be in the zoo.

Just to clarify, all dogs who are members of the breed of dogs that the dogs in the movie Babe were members of can be in the zoo. Membership, in other words, is not limited to just the specific dogs that acted in that movie.

Some people, when I tell them my idea about the black and white zoo, think that what I mean is that all animals that are either all black or all white can be in the zoo. So, for example, these people think that pumas, which are all black, or polar bears, which are all white, would be in the zoo. These people don't understand anything. For an animal to be in my zoo, it has to be both black and white. Therefore, neither pumas nor polar bears are welcome in my zoo.  Or at least they are not welcome as inhabitants. If they want to come to the zoo as visitors, that's fine. But they damned well better pay their entrance fee just like everybody else.

Some people think it is funny to ask me if there will be any nuns in my zoo.  You know, because nuns dress in black and white uniforms. When people ask me this, it makes me wish I died as a baby.

Anyways, as a footnote to this discussion regarding my dream of opening a black and white zoo, I feel compelled to add that in the many, many years that I have dreamed of opening a black and white zoo, I have not made a single step toward fulfilling this dream. I have, however, climbed Kilimanjaro.

[Forever after at

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