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First of all, why is she in the house with the heat blasting away? Who's going to pay that bill? And why doesn't she stay downstairs? People have no manners. They walk into strange houses and become Lewis and fucking Clark, may they rest in peace, looking under cushions, eating someone else's meal, climbing into beds. It's rude. Can you explain it? 

These are questions the screenwriter never answers in his latest adaptation. It's the director's fault. He's not interested in backstory or subtext or character motivation.  Get her in the bed, he says, and show some leg.

I think you all know how this story turns out although the woman I'm seeing now doesn't: Three bears and a child with golden hair, a house in the country, a room of one's own with a view, the famous bed sequence. Hard to believe. She was reading In Cold Blood at three, never had time for Brothers Grimm or other stories about animal oppression and the women who endorse and sustain their own subjugation. You should see what she's like in bed.  Think about that negotiation.

I don't know where this Goldilocks gets off. The problem is she hasn't been sleeping in my bed -- the baby bear's been getting all the action. Don't let that baby bear exterior fool you. He's taking growth hormones to try and get some size. It doesn't help. The little bastard has one kidney, he's supposed to avoid contact sports. Riding Goldie puts him in danger or did he think the scratches wouldn't show?

We're two days behind already on the remake and I've heard rumblings they're going to shut us down. My luck.  First big lead and this. My parents begged me to go into the family business as a hibernation facilitator. For me, it's no life in a cave. But they said, There's no happy endings out there.  It's no place for you to be among the Schisselmeisters. Now I'm gagging on the porridge. I hate porridge. You'd think on a show this size they could get us something decent to eat, blueberries in season somewhere, honey on strawberries, fresh cream.

Word just came in that they're changing the ending. It's not enough to find the broken chair and let her run away, she has to write an apology to the family and invite the little bear to her birthday party. Some other PC thing. I think they have it in for me. In this version I lose the house to the bank, I'm crippled by a runaway bus and worse, when I can't keep working my agent drops me even though I'll go on to win the Badger for best performer in a film using his own fur. Eventually I plan to live somewhere happily ever, far from this verkachte business where I won't have to take meetings with boars, let pigs into my house who pretend they're your friends, where I can get close to deer, be surrounded by ewe, and those damn skies are never cloudy, not once, not any day.


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