EYESHOT-BRAND SPAM #3
TRANSMITTED AUGUST 30, 2001
Please read this information to the end. Failure to read entirety will result in mild anhedonia. This will not be noticed immediately; it'll creep up on you, inch by inch, tracking you, twenty feet behind you, then thirteen, then seven, then two, then one, then, several years from now -- blamo! -- you'll be all like I just feel so ever-mildly disappointed.
Eyeshot is one of the world's most widely prescribed inducers of Hindenburg Complex; it has been prescribed to fewer than 40 million people worldwide. Additionally, Eyeshot is one of the most thoroughly studied treatments for Hindenburg Complex. The following are some things you should know about Eyeshot's Hindenburg Complex.
A rash can be a sign of a serious medical condition. If you develop a rash while reading Eyeshot, see someone immediately. Only your doctor or a loved one can be trusted to rub your rashes.
Remember: Eminent men should have nothing in their hands.
Quibbling over grammatical trivialities should not be tolerated.
Moral sentiment can turn you into poetry, while kissing dogs can turn dogs into things other than dogs.
Bears are not attracted to women menstruating in the woods.
Thorazine should not be administered while reading Eyeshot.
Your eyes should remain like a closed door within you that opens on the world.
Some people reading Eyeshot experience mild side effects like nausea, difficulty sleeping, tardive dyskinesia, drowsiness, yawning, sour stomach, anxiety, and shin splints.
They may experience kaliedoscopic changes in pigmentation and unrequited love of the teenage-type while reading a thing by Whitney Pastorek.
Sudden erratic movements are commonly reported, as are the feeling that previously pure thoughts have become suddenly sullied after reading a thing about fisting in China by Tom Bradley.
In some cases there may be weakness, tongue-wagging, and urge to pleasure self in bathrooms while reading a thing by Shauna McKenna.
In clinical trials, loss of appetite, tremors, dry mouth, sweating, decreased sex drive, impotence, yawning, and embarrassingly strong sensitivity and rigidity at tips of all extremities while reading Throop Roebling's "The Plot Revealed: The Others" were significant.
All these tend to go away within a few weeks of starting treatment and, in most cases, are not serious enough to cause people to read Eyeshot regularly. The symptoms of Hindenburg Complex should begin within one to two weeks of starting treatment. It may take four weeks or longer to experience the full benefits.
Be sure to discuss how you're feeling with someone you know. Make sure to send this informative transmission to allies and enemies. In no time, your friends will have fullblown Hindenburg Complex. Your enemies will have become your friends, and they'll have it too -- they will see you and recite this radiocast from Lakehurst, NJ in 1937.
To initiate treatment, you should take this extended piece of prose rendered in the popular garamond font. Warning: you are among the first subjects to be administered this new treatment initiation, any risk of side effect beyond those described above are assumed by the recipient. Any benefit is purely an incidental part of the larger picture of a pleasureable weekend.
Eyeshot's Hindenburg Complex, a slow boat through the sky with flammable skin and inevitably fiery fate; a young vulture in wobbly flight not-intended-for-profit; a semi-literate volunteer effort; often called "creepy and exciting;" often confusing obscenity for originality; also known as litter for the ill and literate, or simply, illiterati illumina; since 1999. Submissions accepted and declined.
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