AN OPEN LETTER TO A THIEF
BY DONNIE BOMAN
*
This is an open letter to whoever robbed me Saturday night.

You are an asshole. You crowbarred my door. You took my money. 

Sure, most of us steal, if only from our jobs, and if only by not working the ENTIRE number of hours for which we are paid. Corporations are evil. They take our money. Shouldnít we take from them? Seriously, are we supposed to ACTUALLY WORK NON-STOP for the bitch of a company for which we work? 

I feel that I am paid $7 per 10 minutes, so I work eight 10-minute shifts a day. 

Goddammit, do you know how long I had to work to get the money you stole? I had to work more than a weekís worth of ten-minute shifts! Add in all those additional hours that I sat there unpaid, surfing the Internet! Holy shit! I donít even get to play ping-pong at work. But I can write this letter. 

My time is worth more than the two minutes you spent in my house messing with my life, motherfucker. 

Since I believe that you probably live in my neighborhood, let me tell you something about the etiquette of thievery. Donít disrupt the flow of cash within your own community by taking shit from your neighbors just to go buy drugs or worse, weapons (*see the "P.S." below). I am not claiming that you may have purchased illicit substances, but really, what else are you going to do with the money that you stole from me? Pay rent? Buy groceries? If so, glory be! 

But I donít believe it. There are better ways to get money for the essentials and illicit substances, actually.

Steal money from the drug dealers. Steal the drugs from the drug dealers. Shit, steal the drug dealerís house and car. Then you can become a drug dealer yourself. How about that? Live outside of the system! 

But know this, asshole, once you are a drug dealer, I will come and steal all your shit. I will rip out your eyes with the crowbar you used to break my door. I will run over your legs with my new drug-dealerís Lexus. I will personally smoke or inject or snort all of the drugs that I could have sold and will come up with really messed-up ideas on how to further mutilate you, you stupid, thieving, shit on the head of a cock.

Sincerely Yours,

The Guy You Robbed on N. 18th Avenue, Hattiesburg, Mississippi

P.S. If you want to buy guns, only buy them for THE REVOLUTION. And donít steal my money. How about taking up a collection within the community?  You know, build community spirit! Hasta la victoria siempre! Kick out the hegemonic powers of oppression! Kick out the drug dealers and the corporations! 

P.P.S.  Or just fuck it. But donít steal anything else from me. I WILL find you and nail gun a nail into both of your temples, my own form of trepanation.
 

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